From Brown to White

Dear family, friends and fellow monastics.

During the four years that I have been living a monastic I have had times of contentment and times of struggle and depression.

For some time now I have been contemplating leaving the monastic life and it is for this very reason that I am writing to you to let you know of the out come of my struggles with the thoughts of leaving the monastic order.

I have decided that I have reached a point where I feel I would like to leave the homeless life and return to the home, the reasons why are below.

My father is unwell and is not getting better unless he has the help of someone to care for him. This has been something that has weighed on my mind and something that would continue to weigh it down knowing that my father is unwell and that it is possible for me to do something to help him yet remaining as a monk would hinder such help. Being a monastic means depending on the kindness of others in order to survive, and there are many of the monastic rules which make looking after someone on a full time basis a difficult task.

This by no means means that I am a savour for my father, far from it, but rather something I can help him with and is something which is long term.

There are also my own personal difficulties. While being a monk I have had times of great joy and also of great sadness. Monastic life is something which is a beautiful thing. Living in a community has it's challenges and also it's great benefits. Underneath all of that, it is not the monasteries' environment which leads me to disrobe, far from it indeed, but is my own internal struggle. There is no who i have fallen in love and disrobing for, so there are no good looking men or women waiting for me at the gate of the monastery.

One thing which has weighed me down is education, or lack thereof. After leaving the monastic life I would like to complete my education. I believe that it will be able to fill some of the holes in my life and also boost my confidence which I lack, after being in the monastic life or this period of time it has now given me the strength to do so.

So where to from here? Well, after disrobing I plan to live with my father as his carer and at the beginning of next year to enroll in completing my education. I know that leaving the monastic life is going to have a transition period that is going to be one of great pain, difficulties and acceptance.

Many of my fellow friends and supporters believed and had place a lot of inspiration and faith in me, but for myself, I am too hard on myself and unable to accept my own moral faults, I lack the internal confidence to accept the truth of their trust they placed in me.

So, I would like to thank everyone who has helped me and supported me in my time leading the holy life and it is least I can do in order to thank them, to be myself and to lead my life in the which in which I feel I now need to grow. I have had a lot of support in this difficult time and it is nice to know how much friendship i truly have.

I plan to disrobe on the 6th of April 2009 6am

The parting from the monastic life tares my heart but it is the way in which I now must go.

Much gratitude,


David (Tapassi Bhikkhu)


P.S. If you would like to keep in touch or contact me please feel free to do so.


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15/07/09 - Due to the amount of response i have received from this post i have added my facebook details so that people who wish to follow what i am up to now can do so by either following my new blog or adding me to facebook.


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04/09/2013 - Due to safety concerns, I've had to remove my facebook, personal email and blog details. If you wish to get into contact with me, please send an email to bh.tapassi@gmail.com - all mail being sent to this address is forwarded to my personal email account.

I have also removed all previous blog entries due to safety concerns. All previous blog will be available again soon.

Training Raining

After a long period where we didn't have any classes at Santi because of the renovations both upstairs and downstairs we have now gone into full wing with Vinaya class on Monday, Tuesday is sutta class, Wednesday there is a Dhamma talk, Thursday is history class, Friday there is a monastic etiquette class, Saturday is group meditation and Sunday is a day off and is also the day the monks and nuns go on alms-round. The classes we a welcomed relief after a long period with only mediation and dhamma talks but it is a little draining but i am enjoying it very much as i do with such classes, also so much to do and so little time to read everyting, luckly i have the excuse of having read most of the material in the pass so i can get away without having to read it!

One of the reasons for the this 'training period' is because there are two Anagarikās who will be taking the Samanerī ordination around May this year. santi is still growing and at the moment we have 5 anagarikās and and other two underway, all going well but of course!

The two latest Anagarikās is Annie from WA and Shirley from Hong Kong, both i get along with very well.

Santi Saṇgha and Anagarikās

A lot is happening and a lot is changing and developing at the monastery which is the natural procress for a monastery, quite different from that first time that i came here where there were very few pwoplw, how we have many people and have a lot of work with regards to accommodation booking and running out of space, sometimes the demand out does the supply of available space.

Communal life is a rather interesting one with its hight and lows, good points and bad points, joyful moments and pain ones, friendship and difficulties but it is amazing the people that are living here and the amount of talent of the people is incredible and thus perhaps the reason for the sometime difficulties, or perhaps this is jsut a delusion and it happens everywhere!

Santi community